Duane Clark’s ‘Valentines Day’

Ah Poundland, you keep on giving me the gift of random DVDs and this week we have Valentines Day (Know as Protector in America) starring Mario Van Peebles and Randy Quaid. I’m excited since I have been a fan of Mario Van Peebles since Highlander 3 which has some spectacularly hammy dialogue but everyone seems to be diving into the madness. Let’s see if we have as much fun with todays Random DVD.

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Thank you Poundland!

We open up on Jack Valentine (Mario Van Peebles) receive his gun from Phil (Randy Quaid) after an absence from the police force. 6 months into his new stint Jack meets Alma (Zehra Leverman) who is present at the mob hit of Tony Denisio who seems to have had all his fingers in the pies. Jack is immediately drawn to Alma for her cold demeanour and cool attitude. The FBI give Jack just 2 weeks to get to the bottom of the murder and his time is running out fast, as he investigates further he finds that the hit maybe more than it seems. Will this be Jack Valentines last case or will he solve it before his time runs out.

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Still time for Valentine to give someone a present.

The story is pretty by the numbers for a standard crime drama but one thing that adds something different is the porn level acting and music. Everything is soft lighting and sax solos while Van Peebles frowns through scenes as if a furrowed brow will soon be going out of fashion, Alma on the other hand seems to play fast and lose with the pouting which means every line comes across as if she is confused. The whole mixture of bad and confusing mixes together to make a film with some OK actors that is hindered by just about everything else that is happening on screen.

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Not pictured here: A man with working knowledge of guns and gun safety.

If you have seen a made for TV crime drama before then you will feel instantly at home with this by the numbers movie, nothing is original or new and that is probably the most disappointing thing. Mario Van Peebles is subdued and doesn’t make any effort with some scenes feeling like he is simply ringing his performance in. Randy Quaid looks like professor X but is entertaining as Phil and when he goes full Quaid towards the end you may just get up and cheer. I would not recommend this film unless you are really into Mario Van Peebles nipples, they are in it a lot and I think they may haunt my dreams for the next few days.

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This X men remake maybe worth watching.

This film gets a Sean Astin. It isn’t terrible for what it is but it could have been so much more even on a limited budget.

Going full Peebles is a good thing.

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