Gary Jones’ ‘Spiders’

I recently discovered a box set containing several creature features and made the mistake of placing the first one in my DVD player. The following words will be a recount of what happened and what I thought about the movie. Please enjoy my rambling anger made into written word and follow me if you will into the world of SPIDERS.

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Heroes!

Our story opens on a nerdy girl named Marci Eyre (Lana Parrilla) who is obsessed with UFO based phenomenon. Marci works as a news writer with her close friends Jake (Nick Swarts) and Slick (Oliver Macready), when following a lead they all witness a space craft crash due to NASA testing the effects of space on super spiders. When the military come to clean up, Marci sneaks on bored a van along with Jake, Slick and an unknown hitchhiker (It’s a fucking space spider!). Now in a military base below ground, trapped and terrified, our heroes must fight back against the literally growing threat or die trying to save the earth!

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I hope they fail and the end is a sobering affair.

Holy fuck nuggets those are some high stakes, you would assume with a plot like that the film must have a massive budget and competent acting or else what would be the point in tackling that intense story. There really is no point, this is a low budget creature feature which could be fun BUT they made the mistake of trying to do too much, this is the kind of plot that really flourishes if a writer decides to focus everything on gory deaths and random pyrotechnics. Everything that the lead does work against her having any likability, the 2 males are played as boring stereotypes and the random FBI agent who becomes our hero is a charisma vacuum.

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White shirt and gun holsters do not make you a hero.

The acting isn’t the only thing at fault here, the decision to make the spider a mix of CGI and practical means that half the time we get decent practical effects and then we get awful CGI in other scenes. In what could be the only positive in the film, the practical CGI effects are awesome, squibs and random wounds are all great it is just a shame that they where wasted on this.

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This scene is actually awesome and looks amazing. 

I would not recommend this movie but then again I did not expect a great film since the boxset cost about £2 (3.318 USD for anyone not in the UK). I would say the film was great for 50p (83 cents!) which is it’s actual value when purchased in this set. I don’t hold out hope but will be watching and reviewing Spiders 2 soon. If this costs you more than 50p then avoid it.

I give it 1 Dennis Rodman out of 3 mouldy ballsacks.

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