Michael Bay’s ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’

Often I treat Michael Bay films with contempt, I watch them if a friend enjoys one of his movies and go through the motions or drink copious amounts until it is all just a noisy blur. There was a time when Michael Bay made insanely fun movies with hundreds of explosions while actors hammed up dialogue we all assumed was written by a child. I recently subjected myself to the latest Transformers movie and well…

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It’s too late to run away from this movie Marky Mark. You sold your soul to the devil when you made Pain & Gain.

The movie opens on Cade Jaeger (Mark Wahlberg) a buff scientist who spends his day tinkering on scrap with his best buddy Lucas Flannery (T.J Miller). Cade has a daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) who is dating a race car driver Shane Dyson (Jack Reynor) who is Irish and a coward when the plot requires it. Cade accidentally buys Optimus Prime and the adventure begins as several different groups attempt to reclaim the legendary Autobot and put a stop to these robot shenanigans once and for all. Will Cade save his family? Will he save the world? Do we care at this point?

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So very bland.

I think something sinister is going on in Hollywood. First we get the Adam Sandler sexist/racist abortion Jack and Jill, now we have the latest film loosely adapted from a bowel movement. Someone is letting people make these awful films which have obvious hate messages towards different minorities and sexualities, someone is letting this happen and they are being paid lots of money for it. One particular Transformer is a samurai, not sure why really but it sounds like a cool concept which is even better when you get Ken Watanabe to be in a film but then you ask him to put on the most hammy Japanese accent ever which is upsetting to say the least.

 

Racist?

The plot is almost incomprehensible, it starts with Transformers being hunted by the government, Kelsey Grammar hams his way into the villain role before more robots come and we get fight scenes that look like a car crushing machine at a scrapyard. Loud noises and a repetitive score punctuate the movement on screen and occasionally indicate when something is happening.

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Plot and stuff!

I cannot recommend this film; I can admit I liked the first Tranformers movie but this is something so horrifyingly broken and brazen in its director’s opinions that the fun of the original is a distant memory.

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This could have been amazing! Look at that fucking thing! How do you not make a fun movie with that thing in it?

Fuck this movie. It’s so Adam Sandler I am surprised it wasn’t loosely adapted from one of his bowel movements. I give it all the Adam Sandlers. Kill it, kill it with fire.

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Why Stanley Tucci? Why do you betray my trust!

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