Critapocalypse Episode 5! Now with youtube!

Critapocalypse is back and we have more interesting shit to discuss.

From video games to TV and movies you won’t find a better place to give you an irrelevant opinion, sometimes we veer wildly off topic and begin disucssing the events of the last 2 weeks but thats all in the name of keeping you entertained.

Mummies Alive! It’s scarab.

Check out the links below for your bi weekly dose of Matt and Ant in your ears.

Critapocalypse Episode 5 – Soundcloud

For those more visual based fans of the show here is the Youtube link.

Critapocalypse Episode 5 – Youtube

This week we discuss Far Cry 4, WWE Survivor Series 2014, Hunger Games – Mockingjay Part 1, Gems of War, Snowpiercer, Elite Dangerous, Dragon Age: Inquisition and Super Castlevania 4.


Jeff Burr’s ‘Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter’

We are back to Puppet Master and this time it is apparently personal. You know the deal at this point and hopefully don’t expect too much from these films, the supposed final chapter was going to be the end to the series but they decided to carry on with the franchise. This is the 2nd film in the series to be a direct sequel to the previous installment bringing back Gordon Currie, Guy Rolfe and Teresa Hill. Lets dive into this tale of dark goings on in a world beyond the vision of man, a world populated by animated creatures by devious magic. Lets get it on.

Not a Police Station

Not a police station.

So the film opens with the previous protagonist Rick Myer (Gordon Currie) being accused of murder due to the killings at the Bodega Bay Motel. Rick has a witness who would be able to confirm that he did not murder his friends but sadly the witness is his girlfriend Lauren (Teresa Hill) who has fallen into a coma. After hearing his torrid tale of terrifying tools manifested by the god Suketh, the new head of artificial intelligence and Ricks new boss Susie (Chandra West) decides to post bail and help investigate further. Turns out Suketh is still stewing about the whole losing to a mortal thing and takes the drastic action of putting his essence into one the spiky bastards from the last film. With Suketh now on Earth hunting Rick he will need all his friends back again to prove his power, possibly defeat Suketh and save Lauren. Will he suceed witht he help of Obi Wan Toulon (Guy Rolfe)? Will he take the mantle of Puppet Master? What will worry the world of who Suketh be?

Kind of hot

Weird but in a sexy way.

I have watched many bad films in my time, sometimes those films are campy neon drenched madness and sometimes they are boring dull repetitive wastes of celluloid. At this point we have experienced some bipolar quality issues from this series and this film doesn’t help, considering the entry before The Final Chapter was enjoyable on a few different levels, it is even more dissapointing to watch something like this. On the plus side because Suketh has put his essence within a vessel to send to Earth we no longer have to see the awful puppet version but the negative effect of this is we don’t get the slight campy feeling of this obviously awful thing bumbling about. The villains are once again the scabby little things which have no personality or shock value (Especially now they have been used for 2 films).

Suketh Sucketh

If you cannot tell, that puppet has been shot.

The plot plods along and we get to a place that makes sense within the realms of the fictional universe that has been set up, the problem is that the universe has lost it’s most dynamic and interesting character. The sense of a scrambling need to bring back Toulon is evident towards the end when we once again get an appearance from Guy Rolfe giving the same message from Puppet Master 4. There is no use in asking why in this film because we know why, money. Everything wrong with this series is the continuation of a series that should have died but didn’t, it should have died but like Toulon they retcon what they can and revive it.

Still a Puppet

Suketh Sucketh. See what I did there, fucking word boom.

Blargh, well it happened I watched it and now we have to do Puppet Master 6. In terms of a school for this one it gets a David Spade, you’ll remember the past and a little nolstagia will drift in but then you remember what it did later on which makes you sad.

Guy Rolfe

Stop it Guy Rolfe you are better than this!

Edward D. Murphy’s ‘Raw Force AKA Kung Fu Cannibals’

Look at that title! Who needs marketing when you have a name like Kung Fu Cannibals! I found this film by chance, my friend was trying to find something to watch and emerged with this classic on a blank DVD (We had reservations after recently watching Ringu but braved the possibility of death via media). Hastily scribbled on the label was the name and nothing else, we salivated that the prospect of the spectacular idea of martial arts man eaters (I beg someone to use that title for a movie). I sat and as the film blared into life I gave my time willingly (The beer helped me lavishly lay down my precious minutes). Let’s get into this tale of high kicking cannibal chaos.

Warrior Island Leaflet

Glossy leaflets welcome people to Warrior Island which means they must have some sort of marketing department.


Cameron Mitchell appears to love boats and topless martial artists.

So we open up on 3 women being flown to an island by 3 lecherous young men and 1 Hitler impersonator, upon arriving at the island the women are offered to some monks who trade them for a large quantity of jade. One of the women is not to the monks liking and she is rejected (This appears to upset her greatly) which causes her to panic, run off into some bushes and subsequently get killed by a blue zombie samurai. Cut to Capt. Harry Dodds (Cameron Mitchell) bitching about the cruise ship owner Hazel Buck (Hope Holiday) to the resident cook and martial arts expert Go Chin (Rey Malonzo). Soon enough it is all hands on deck as they set sail for Warrior Island but not before doing some shopping in town (Which seems to consist of bar’s, brothels and the Jade goods equivalent of Walmart). After encountering the lecherous bastards and one man Adolf fan club they find themselves being chased on the high seas as the boat comes ever closer to reaching Warriors Island. Will they meet the mad manic monks masticating maidens? Is the price of murder really just some green rocks? Who is doing the marketing for Warriors Island because the leaflets are excellent.


This man is simply called Religious Freak in the credits and is fucking insane.

Bowie and Arrow

This guys name is now Bowie and arrow.

This movie is amazing so there is no bad this review! Between the poor acting, broken dialogue and terrible ADR there are moments of true brilliance but the parts that are bad still manage to entertain. This film has entered my collection of so bad it’s good right next to the insane Miami Connection (Both films back to back would be a great double bill) and seeing this brought a sense of people really enjoyed making something with every intention of creating greatness.

Shitler and his gang of idiots.

Here is Shitler and his henchmen.

More good! So the actors all seem to be in this film to make something great, this is evidence by several scenes that contain a gleeful energy as people jump into shot with a smile ready to take down bad guys. Cameron Mitchell plays it straight but every so often you get the sense that even he is having a laugh. One of my favourite lines comes from one of the final scenes in which Mr Mitchell screams “I saw Clint Eastwood do this once!” to which he turns and corner and just fires at the enemy making the line completely irrelevant. One women explains that she is on the run from the Mafia for around 20 minutes before entirely disappearing from the film never to return again (I think we are to assume she perishes on the boat but this is never confirmed).

Poor man's axe

Bandit plus axe equals murder.

This isn’t a problem but the romantic sub-plots are entirely pointless as everyone seems hell-bent on getting naked regardless the occasion but I think that the massive amounts of nudity may have stemmed from an attempt at pleasing several audiences at once.

Fucking zombies

Spoiler: Zombies!

If you are looking for a film that contains Horror, Action, Adventure, Drama and masses of bewbs you cannot do much better than this underrated classic. I highly recommend it and give the film a brilliant Tom Atkins, you will never feel like you have wasted your time viewing this little known masterpiece.


These monks love their job.

Critapocalypse Episode 4!

Guess what! There is another episode of Critapocalypse up and it is free for all you sexy people. Please give it a listen and let us know what you think.

Here is the Soundcloud:

Critapocalypse Episode 4

Here is the Youtube:

Critapocalypse Episode 4

Enjoy us speak about Master of Darkness on the Master System, Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare on Xbox One and Alien Isolation (Again).

We talk and talk but thats why we are here!

Thanks for your time.

Jeff Burr’s ‘Puppet Master 4: The Demon’

Well here we go, number 4 in the Puppet Master series and it’s getting a bit easier to watch these. Quality is not always something you can expect but there is never a lack of interesting things to see. Number 4 brings back Mr Toulon played by Guy Rolfe who is a great addition to the cast and brought warmth to the role which helped the shift in tone for film 3. Lets get to the tatties and pies shall we?

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_01.13.58_[2014.11.20_13.31.40]

This is a massive puppet of Suketh and I find it hard not to laugh as it waves it arms.

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_00.37.01_[2014.11.20_13.27.05]

When you see this shot you should hear Aerosmith singing “Back in the Saddle”

We open up on Suketh who as it turns out is the original holder of the spell to animate inanimate objects. Suketh is pissed since the spell was stolen and has been so flippantly used by humans for all the monkey shines from the previous movies, so he decides that it’s time to send down some of his own 12″ monsters. Back on Earth we find the Bodega Bay Hotel has a new occupant in the form of Rick Myer (Gordon Currie)  A young man working on artificial intelligence systems for a the government and moonlighting as the off season caretaker for the hotel. Rick has his girlfriend Susie over the night but she decides to bring a few friends for an impromptu party during which the Puppets are found, awoken and appear to be in the mood to help. As the demons arrive the Puppets do battle with Suketh’s evil forces while defending the party guests. With the hep of Andre Toulon’s spirit (Guy Rolfe) will Rick be able to save his girlfriend and by extension her friends? What is Suketh doing hiding and not going to Earth himself?

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_01.12.50_[2014.11.20_13.30.14]

Puppet Fight!

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_00.09.02_[2014.11.20_13.26.49]

That thing looks sharp and deadly but is actually only 12 inches tall.
The good first then we can have a big old shit sandwich 2nd. One good thing is that the characters are a little more like cannon fodder this time around, other than Rick most are cliché horror movie types but the film knows that and moves along briskly without wasting time with exposition. Suketh’s evil monsters are scabby little bastards and while not intimidating they are freaky little things. Guy Rolfe returning is a treat, once again he elevates the series and takes the original Puppet Master from stock German villain into something so much more, the tragic element has been abandoned and he now stands as the Obi-Wan figure promising to train Rick.

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_00.56.12_[2014.11.20_13.27.30]

Pinhead is great at working the tip but not so good with the shaft.
The bad and slightly bad. Mr Suketh is a terrible bit of FX work, this massive shambling puppet is one of the worst things in the series and the biggest crime is that he is entirely unnecessary, removed from the plot everything would have been streamlined but included it adds nothing but runtime. In terms of dialogue and writing there could have been a few lines cut or just rewritten to add some finesse to proceedings.

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_01.15.41_[2014.11.20_13.31.53]

The last shot is of the puppets waving goodbye and it is spectacular.

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_00.03.21_[2014.11.20_13.25.52]

When Suketh is angry you better believe he is going to flail his arms around madly!
In terms of enjoyment this film ranks 2nd of the titles reviewed so far. The series really lacks definition, sometimes being too camp or humorous for horror but not funny enough for comedy, this film is not a victim of that and nicely settles for horror of the House-under-siege variety. I liked it, it’s worth seeing and it gets a Tom Atkins from me, if it was any other series of films I would not rate it so highly but it reached above mediocrity and those are lofty heights for the Puppet Master movies.

Puppet Master 4 - The Demon.avi_snapshot_01.11.16_[2014.11.20_13.28.58]

Look, everyone’s favourite puppet! Sexually ambiguous Nazi man person!

David DeCoteau’s ‘Puppet Master 3: Toulons Revenge’

Well I haven’t gone blind so lets continue our adventure into the mystical world of the Puppet Master! Number 3 arrives with the original director and a new actor playing Toulon plus a few better known actors join the cast for this time warp to a time before Bodega Bay Hotel. We are up to the third film, only 7 to go after this and I can rest, maybe go on to some sort of romcom. For now we are dealing with monstrous marionettes and it’s time to cut the jib.

Puppet Master 3 - Toulon's Revenge.avi_snapshot_00.06.01_[2014.11.15_01.01.50]

Take that puppet Hitler, you son of a bitch!

The film opens up in nazi controlled Berlin and a small Puppet show taking place, we see children laugh as six shooter takes a couple of shots at Hitler. The show ends with Andre Toulon (Guy Rolfe) handing our sweets to the children while a very Aryan man waiting to speak to the Puppet Master. It is soon found that Toulon has the ability to bring life to the lifeless and the Nazis begin hatching a plan to steal the secret. Cue the shooting of Elsa Toulon (Sarah Douglas) and the Puppet Master using his wooden friends to exact revenge on the bastards who took his wife, his town and the lives of so many. Will he succeed in driving back the Third Reich? What do the Nazis wish to animate with the formula?

Puppet Master 3 - Toulon's Revenge.avi_snapshot_00.14.37_[2014.11.15_01.02.03]

Nazis; always doing some evil shit with science and the occult.

So as per usual we are going to start with the good then get on to the bad. First and foremost, Guy Rolfe is amazing and deserves recognition for his role in this film, I spent half the film in awe of his dialogue. The director made a wise choice moving the action to Nazi Germany this time around, we instantly have more villainous forces at work and Toulon is made sympathetic easily after he loses his wife to monsters all too real.

Puppet Master 3 - Toulon's Revenge.avi_snapshot_00.26.23_[2014.11.15_01.03.51]

These muppets make it hard to understand the tone of the scene, one is fucking happy and the other looks like it’s a pissed on cornflakes morning.

Here goes the bad. The film itself is the first of many instances of plot holes appearing in this series, Toulon being alive after his apparent suicide in the 1939 does call into question the psychics reasons for being at the Bodega Bay Hotel (Although he eventually turned up there it wasn’t within the same time frame). Leech Women from Puppet Master 2 is also shown to be inhabited by the soul of his wife but when she died in the 2nd film he didn’t even question Blade or Torch on her whereabouts. There are more things that felt off and didn’t match the previous films plot but I don’t think most people will watch these films back to back so it maybe less noticeable normally.

Puppet Master 3 - Toulon's Revenge.avi_snapshot_00.32.06_[2014.11.15_01.02.49]

No bad words will be said about this man.

All in all I found this film incredibly enjoyable especially when compared to the previous 2. I would give it a Julia Roberts, you may not be expecting great things to begin with but it should surprise you.

Film Review No.347: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

It takes 10 years to get to the actual murdery fun but once you get there you really won’t know what the fuck is happening. See if my friends opinion differs or if he can make it more wordy like!

The Film Dump


With The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One (ugh) about to be released, what better time is there for me to get around to watching the previous film in the series. I think I reviewed the first film just before Catching Fire came out too. I dunno. I don’t follow these things. What’s a Divergent? What’s all this about running around mazes? I dunno. Here’s my review of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, or some shit.

In Catching Fire Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) keeps getting called Katnip by her boyfriend who is that Hemsworth that isn’t Thor. I think it’s cute. Because he can’t resist her. Like cats can’t resist catnip. Do you see? My cat didn’t care for catnip. Much like I didn’t care for that romance subplot. I mean, we all know Katniss is gonna fall in love with her not really boyfriend Peeta (Josh Hutcherson). He is…

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