Critapocalypse Episode 8! Great Cock Fire of Balls!

We have banded together once again to discuss the finer things in life, not wine, cheese and stale crackers but video games, films, music and occasionally, life.

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Life?

You know the drill at this point and if you don’t you will get the jist pretty quickly. We review stuff while we chat the night away, we then record these mad ramblings and edit them into a format for your earholes.

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Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you. You fucking son of a bitch.

This week we talk about (Time codes for youtube only):

Total Overdose: 00:01:20
Infamous First light: 00:09:42
Chinese Zodiac: 00:14:47
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies: 00:22:14
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor and lamentations for original gaming: 00:31:32
Grown Ups 2: 00:46:44
13 Assassins: 01:02:11
Worms Battlegrounds: 01:08:50

So get your steaming pile of sex voices right here:

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Youtube

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Soundcloud

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Charles Band’s ‘Puppet Master 8: The Legacy’

I really cannot express my disappointment when watching this movie and realising that it is essentially a series of clips from the previous films. I really cannot justify reviewing this as a film, if you wanted to see everything that is shown here you probably would have watched the previous films in this series.

Kiss me you FOOL!

ROMANCE!

The “story” revolves around Peter Hertz (Jacob Whitkin) who was the young boy saved by Andre Toulon in the third film. Peter is now the Puppet Master and has been cornered by the mysterious Maclain (Kate Orsini) who is seeking a way to destroy the nefarious marionettes and save the souls trapped inside. Eventually she kills him or something along those lines, many clips of other films are shown in between.

Shoot him you FOOL!

ACTION!

It’s difficult to pinpoint the reason for Charles Band to create this film using mostly footage previously seen. On one hand it could have been that he wished to show the journey the puppets have gone on but if that was the case you would pick scenes of emotional depth and not just murdering. This intention could have been for this to just be a kill compilation but then you have to question the book ending segments involving Maclain and Peter.

Cat eyes!

SUSPENCE!

All in all this really shouldn’t be classed as a separate film, it feels more like a DVD extra that would come in a box set more than a piece deserving any narrative. I recommend avoiding this and give it an Adam Sandler, you know it’s going to be shit but it depends on your tolerance for that sort of thing.

A Thankless Thank You

Thank you for all the monies!

David DeCoteau’s ‘Puppet Master 7: Retro Puppet Master’

Here we go again, back into the fray once more my friends, once more into the bitter night. Puppet Master 7 is a prequel to all the films preceding it, we will finally learn where it was that Toulon learnt to the secret which allowed him his string less marionette’s (A plot point first seen all the way back in Puppet Master 2). Let’s get into the wood and paint of this.  Not how you spell college

Fun Fact: This is not Swedish for college.

So we join Andre Toulon (Guy Rolfe) on the run from the Nazis and hiding out in one of his old bases located in Switzerland. Within his puppet case he finds the head of one of his original creations named Cyclops and recounts the Puppet Master Origin story to his animated marionettes.

The story starts with a man named Afzel (Jack Donner) a 3000 year old Egyptian sorcerer running from some assailants through Cairo. He defeats his pursuers and begins his journey to Paris. We cut to Paris in 1902 and the young Toulon (The Room’s Greg Sestero) whose friends are helping him operate his puppets in a large theatre. Meanwhile Elsa (Brigitta Dau) is the daughter of an ambassador and has run away in order to escape her father’s tyrannical hold.

Elsa arrives at the theatre to watch the show but is distracted once she spots and falls instantly in love with Toulon. Afzel appears on the steps of the theatre injured by 3 Egyptian mummies resurrected by Suketh; Toulon is told the story of the spell of animation (Which Afzel stole in the beginning) and taught the secret thus taking his first steps to becoming the Puppet Master. Elsa’s father does not approve of her new love, deciding that it is best for her to be taken away from Paris and married to another (Which he appears to have chosen).

The 3 mummies return and kill Toulon’s friends when they attempt to defend the theatre. Using the souls of his fallen comrades Toulon animates his friend’s puppets and the fight is on, to save Elsa, stop Suketh’s groovy ghoolies and escape Paris, all the while making his first steps towards becoming a true Puppet Master.

Evil guys

These are reanimated mummies.

I don’t know if you can tell from that plot synopsis but this film has a lot going on and (Surprisingly) handles it all very well. The story makes some modicum of sense which is great, I just wish this was the start to the series and not the end of the initial run. Information is given in a clear way and Guy Rolfe’s scenes offer a nice intro, I have stated previously that he was a highlight of these movies and that still rings true in this entry. All the puppets are given the souls of Toulon’s friends and this makes us slightly more invested in them but it isn’t made clear if they are the same as the current iteration of puppets.

Young Toulon

This guy went on to start the Realdoll company.

All in all this film does well at adding to the mythology and isn’t difficult to enjoy. The accents maybe terrible in places and the cliché characters could be ripped from any film but this is a cheesy horror film which means we allow some small indiscretions. I enjoyed this movie and would recommend watching it before any of the other films. It serves as another nice high point, gives context to the different puppets and shows us the basis for Toulon’s romance with Elsa.

Retro Squats

The spell requires you take a squat on the dead bodies face.

I hold this film in high regards and would give it a Timothy Olyphant, it won’t be the film you expect to watch but it’s always a bt of a treat.

Jeff Burr’s ‘Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter’

We are back to Puppet Master and this time it is apparently personal. You know the deal at this point and hopefully don’t expect too much from these films, the supposed final chapter was going to be the end to the series but they decided to carry on with the franchise. This is the 2nd film in the series to be a direct sequel to the previous installment bringing back Gordon Currie, Guy Rolfe and Teresa Hill. Lets dive into this tale of dark goings on in a world beyond the vision of man, a world populated by animated creatures by devious magic. Lets get it on.

Not a Police Station

Not a police station.

So the film opens with the previous protagonist Rick Myer (Gordon Currie) being accused of murder due to the killings at the Bodega Bay Motel. Rick has a witness who would be able to confirm that he did not murder his friends but sadly the witness is his girlfriend Lauren (Teresa Hill) who has fallen into a coma. After hearing his torrid tale of terrifying tools manifested by the god Suketh, the new head of artificial intelligence and Ricks new boss Susie (Chandra West) decides to post bail and help investigate further. Turns out Suketh is still stewing about the whole losing to a mortal thing and takes the drastic action of putting his essence into one the spiky bastards from the last film. With Suketh now on Earth hunting Rick he will need all his friends back again to prove his power, possibly defeat Suketh and save Lauren. Will he suceed witht he help of Obi Wan Toulon (Guy Rolfe)? Will he take the mantle of Puppet Master? What will worry the world of who Suketh be?

Kind of hot

Weird but in a sexy way.

I have watched many bad films in my time, sometimes those films are campy neon drenched madness and sometimes they are boring dull repetitive wastes of celluloid. At this point we have experienced some bipolar quality issues from this series and this film doesn’t help, considering the entry before The Final Chapter was enjoyable on a few different levels, it is even more dissapointing to watch something like this. On the plus side because Suketh has put his essence within a vessel to send to Earth we no longer have to see the awful puppet version but the negative effect of this is we don’t get the slight campy feeling of this obviously awful thing bumbling about. The villains are once again the scabby little things which have no personality or shock value (Especially now they have been used for 2 films).

Suketh Sucketh

If you cannot tell, that puppet has been shot.

The plot plods along and we get to a place that makes sense within the realms of the fictional universe that has been set up, the problem is that the universe has lost it’s most dynamic and interesting character. The sense of a scrambling need to bring back Toulon is evident towards the end when we once again get an appearance from Guy Rolfe giving the same message from Puppet Master 4. There is no use in asking why in this film because we know why, money. Everything wrong with this series is the continuation of a series that should have died but didn’t, it should have died but like Toulon they retcon what they can and revive it.

Still a Puppet

Suketh Sucketh. See what I did there, fucking word boom.

Blargh, well it happened I watched it and now we have to do Puppet Master 6. In terms of a school for this one it gets a David Spade, you’ll remember the past and a little nolstagia will drift in but then you remember what it did later on which makes you sad.

Guy Rolfe

Stop it Guy Rolfe you are better than this!

Edward D. Murphy’s ‘Raw Force AKA Kung Fu Cannibals’

Look at that title! Who needs marketing when you have a name like Kung Fu Cannibals! I found this film by chance, my friend was trying to find something to watch and emerged with this classic on a blank DVD (We had reservations after recently watching Ringu but braved the possibility of death via media). Hastily scribbled on the label was the name and nothing else, we salivated that the prospect of the spectacular idea of martial arts man eaters (I beg someone to use that title for a movie). I sat and as the film blared into life I gave my time willingly (The beer helped me lavishly lay down my precious minutes). Let’s get into this tale of high kicking cannibal chaos.

Warrior Island Leaflet

Glossy leaflets welcome people to Warrior Island which means they must have some sort of marketing department.

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Cameron Mitchell appears to love boats and topless martial artists.

So we open up on 3 women being flown to an island by 3 lecherous young men and 1 Hitler impersonator, upon arriving at the island the women are offered to some monks who trade them for a large quantity of jade. One of the women is not to the monks liking and she is rejected (This appears to upset her greatly) which causes her to panic, run off into some bushes and subsequently get killed by a blue zombie samurai. Cut to Capt. Harry Dodds (Cameron Mitchell) bitching about the cruise ship owner Hazel Buck (Hope Holiday) to the resident cook and martial arts expert Go Chin (Rey Malonzo). Soon enough it is all hands on deck as they set sail for Warrior Island but not before doing some shopping in town (Which seems to consist of bar’s, brothels and the Jade goods equivalent of Walmart). After encountering the lecherous bastards and one man Adolf fan club they find themselves being chased on the high seas as the boat comes ever closer to reaching Warriors Island. Will they meet the mad manic monks masticating maidens? Is the price of murder really just some green rocks? Who is doing the marketing for Warriors Island because the leaflets are excellent.

SinnerMan

This man is simply called Religious Freak in the credits and is fucking insane.

Bowie and Arrow

This guys name is now Bowie and arrow.

This movie is amazing so there is no bad this review! Between the poor acting, broken dialogue and terrible ADR there are moments of true brilliance but the parts that are bad still manage to entertain. This film has entered my collection of so bad it’s good right next to the insane Miami Connection (Both films back to back would be a great double bill) and seeing this brought a sense of people really enjoyed making something with every intention of creating greatness.

Shitler and his gang of idiots.

Here is Shitler and his henchmen.

More good! So the actors all seem to be in this film to make something great, this is evidence by several scenes that contain a gleeful energy as people jump into shot with a smile ready to take down bad guys. Cameron Mitchell plays it straight but every so often you get the sense that even he is having a laugh. One of my favourite lines comes from one of the final scenes in which Mr Mitchell screams “I saw Clint Eastwood do this once!” to which he turns and corner and just fires at the enemy making the line completely irrelevant. One women explains that she is on the run from the Mafia for around 20 minutes before entirely disappearing from the film never to return again (I think we are to assume she perishes on the boat but this is never confirmed).

Poor man's axe

Bandit plus axe equals murder.

This isn’t a problem but the romantic sub-plots are entirely pointless as everyone seems hell-bent on getting naked regardless the occasion but I think that the massive amounts of nudity may have stemmed from an attempt at pleasing several audiences at once.

Fucking zombies

Spoiler: Zombies!

If you are looking for a film that contains Horror, Action, Adventure, Drama and masses of bewbs you cannot do much better than this underrated classic. I highly recommend it and give the film a brilliant Tom Atkins, you will never feel like you have wasted your time viewing this little known masterpiece.

Monks

These monks love their job.

Robert Rodriguez’s ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’

VAMPIRE WEEK! As with earlier this week we are currently celebrating the end of The Strain by reviewing vampire films. Today we are getting into the seminal 1996 Crime-Drama-Action-Horror film directed by Robert Rodriguez starring George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino. If you haven’t seen it yet I would recommend doing so before getting into this review, the whole vampire things is kind of a spoiler so please check it out. Lets get into the sausage and mash.

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George Clooney taking a moment to hypnotise all the women.

Our story opens with 2 brothers Seth Gecko (George Clooney) and Richie Gecko (Quentin Tarantino) on the run from the law and blazing a trail across America with hopes of breaking through the border to safety. Meanwhile a family are going on a RV trip across America attempting to forget a recent loss, Pastor Dad Jacob (Harvey Keitel), Daughter Kate (Juliette Lewis) and Scott (Ernest Liu). The 2 groups collide and before you can say Hallelujah they are in Mexico waiting for Seth’s contact at the infamous Titty Twister. Before long the stunning Santanico Pandemonium (Selma Hayek) begins her dance and the patrons of the bar reveal their true nature. Will our heroes make it through the night? What lies in wait for Seth once they meet the contact? What is Tom Savini’s secret to immortality?

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I always wandered why people don’t use pencils as weapons in vampire films.

This film is a testament to the character writing of Robert Rodríguez, you want to know more but they reveal just enough, never spoiling the air of mystery or telling you more than you need to know. The story goes along following the standard beats of the crime film then flips completely and becomes a horror film. The director juggles everything expertly, making deplorable assholes people we actually want to survive and brings us holy water condoms.

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It’s like the last scene in the adventures except with more blood and less Robert Downey Jr.

Its a gleeful celebration of action and horror but it is not without it’s issues. Characters like Richie, although short lived, just don’t need to be so evil, you can make a character bad but when you create a character without restrain or relatable traits the audience is unable to sympathise when he dies. There is also no sense of urgency until the finale, time just happens and most of what happens is within a 24 hour period but that is really just a small issue.

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Thank you Salma Hayek for just being you. Awesome.

I love this film and highly recommend watching it, there is also a documentary called Full Tilt Boogie the making of From Dusk Till Dawn which is decent. Anyway check this film out, I give it a Tom Atkins – Man of Action. Classic, chaotic cinema from Mr Rodriguez.

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Do people like having their nipples twisted?

Michael J. Bassett’s ‘Silent Hill: Revelation’

Ugh, why? What is the reason behind films like this coming into existence, who really thinks it is a good idea to make them? So after the lacklustre box office returns of the initial Silent Hill movie (If you didn’t know, both are based on a video game series) someone wrote a treatment for a new film based on the property and instead of following the plot of one of the games, made a direct sequel. Lets get into the plot of this abomination.

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The lady on the left is Queen Exposition and the lady on the right is Heather.

Heather (Adelaide Clemens) is having vivid nightmares revolving around a place called Silent Hill and a funfair. Harry (Sean Bean) is Heathers adopted father and attempts to protect his daughter from the evils of Silent Hill by moving her around the country. Heather is starting her new school (Which appears to be an awkward process as she immediately begins clashing with other students) after her introduction Vincent (Kit Harington) enters and instantly catches her eye. When Harry is taken by some of the apparitions that inhabit Heathers nightmares, she enlists Vincent to drive her to Silent Hill and unravel the mystery of her past.

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So. Very. Bland.

So this film is loosely based on the third Silent Hill game which was the first in the series to have a female protagonist and gave you a weapon immediately (Female empowerment!). Unlike previous games the monsters were not based on the characters fears and fetishes (Which is good because you play as a 15 year old girl) but instead rehashed some of the monsters from Silent Hill 2 with a couple of new ghoulies thrown in. The game was good but failed to meet the expectation of the previous entry which is widely considered one of the greatest survival horror games of all time. I like the series of games and watched the first film with the hope of a B-movie horror with some familiar characters and a very original setting, what I got was pretty shit.

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3D! It’s like the bad CGI is coming out of the screen!

The film itself is badly acted, plotted, edited and shot. There really isn’t a good thing that can be said for it, ambition could be but only in the sense that they shoe horn in some small cameos at the end (Trevor is the truck driving protagonist from Silent Hill: The Book of Memories and the prison bus is a reference to Silent Hill: Downpour) but it would be hard to believe another film would come of this pile of putrid, boring shit. Sean Bean and Kit Harington are both brilliant actors wasted by being forced to put on some terrible American accents. The lead does her best but is fucking atrocious which could be the fault of her or the script. Carrie Anne Moss appears from nowhere dressed as a snow elf from Skyrim and Malcolm McDowell shows some side boob because well, you got to give the ladies something.

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You’d think that Malcolm McDowell would have learnt to avoid shit films after TankGirl.

I detest this movie and really have no basis to recommend it. I would post spoilers to try and deter people from buying it, but at this point its 2 years old and flopped miserably so fate has worked in my favour. I give this film Adam Sandler, it really could have him shouting every 5 minutes and possibly meet the lofty cinematic heights of Grown Ups 2 or Jack and Jill. Avoid.