Critapocalypse Episode 8! Great Cock Fire of Balls!

We have banded together once again to discuss the finer things in life, not wine, cheese and stale crackers but video games, films, music and occasionally, life.

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Life?

You know the drill at this point and if you don’t you will get the jist pretty quickly. We review stuff while we chat the night away, we then record these mad ramblings and edit them into a format for your earholes.

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Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you. You fucking son of a bitch.

This week we talk about (Time codes for youtube only):

Total Overdose: 00:01:20
Infamous First light: 00:09:42
Chinese Zodiac: 00:14:47
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies: 00:22:14
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor and lamentations for original gaming: 00:31:32
Grown Ups 2: 00:46:44
13 Assassins: 01:02:11
Worms Battlegrounds: 01:08:50

So get your steaming pile of sex voices right here:

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Youtube

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Soundcloud

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David DeCoteau’s ‘Puppet Master 7: Retro Puppet Master’

Here we go again, back into the fray once more my friends, once more into the bitter night. Puppet Master 7 is a prequel to all the films preceding it, we will finally learn where it was that Toulon learnt to the secret which allowed him his string less marionette’s (A plot point first seen all the way back in Puppet Master 2). Let’s get into the wood and paint of this.  Not how you spell college

Fun Fact: This is not Swedish for college.

So we join Andre Toulon (Guy Rolfe) on the run from the Nazis and hiding out in one of his old bases located in Switzerland. Within his puppet case he finds the head of one of his original creations named Cyclops and recounts the Puppet Master Origin story to his animated marionettes.

The story starts with a man named Afzel (Jack Donner) a 3000 year old Egyptian sorcerer running from some assailants through Cairo. He defeats his pursuers and begins his journey to Paris. We cut to Paris in 1902 and the young Toulon (The Room’s Greg Sestero) whose friends are helping him operate his puppets in a large theatre. Meanwhile Elsa (Brigitta Dau) is the daughter of an ambassador and has run away in order to escape her father’s tyrannical hold.

Elsa arrives at the theatre to watch the show but is distracted once she spots and falls instantly in love with Toulon. Afzel appears on the steps of the theatre injured by 3 Egyptian mummies resurrected by Suketh; Toulon is told the story of the spell of animation (Which Afzel stole in the beginning) and taught the secret thus taking his first steps to becoming the Puppet Master. Elsa’s father does not approve of her new love, deciding that it is best for her to be taken away from Paris and married to another (Which he appears to have chosen).

The 3 mummies return and kill Toulon’s friends when they attempt to defend the theatre. Using the souls of his fallen comrades Toulon animates his friend’s puppets and the fight is on, to save Elsa, stop Suketh’s groovy ghoolies and escape Paris, all the while making his first steps towards becoming a true Puppet Master.

Evil guys

These are reanimated mummies.

I don’t know if you can tell from that plot synopsis but this film has a lot going on and (Surprisingly) handles it all very well. The story makes some modicum of sense which is great, I just wish this was the start to the series and not the end of the initial run. Information is given in a clear way and Guy Rolfe’s scenes offer a nice intro, I have stated previously that he was a highlight of these movies and that still rings true in this entry. All the puppets are given the souls of Toulon’s friends and this makes us slightly more invested in them but it isn’t made clear if they are the same as the current iteration of puppets.

Young Toulon

This guy went on to start the Realdoll company.

All in all this film does well at adding to the mythology and isn’t difficult to enjoy. The accents maybe terrible in places and the cliché characters could be ripped from any film but this is a cheesy horror film which means we allow some small indiscretions. I enjoyed this movie and would recommend watching it before any of the other films. It serves as another nice high point, gives context to the different puppets and shows us the basis for Toulon’s romance with Elsa.

Retro Squats

The spell requires you take a squat on the dead bodies face.

I hold this film in high regards and would give it a Timothy Olyphant, it won’t be the film you expect to watch but it’s always a bt of a treat.

Critapocalypse Episode 5! Now with youtube!

Critapocalypse is back and we have more interesting shit to discuss.

From video games to TV and movies you won’t find a better place to give you an irrelevant opinion, sometimes we veer wildly off topic and begin disucssing the events of the last 2 weeks but thats all in the name of keeping you entertained.

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Mummies Alive! It’s scarab.

Check out the links below for your bi weekly dose of Matt and Ant in your ears.

Critapocalypse Episode 5 – Soundcloud

For those more visual based fans of the show here is the Youtube link.

Critapocalypse Episode 5 – Youtube

This week we discuss Far Cry 4, WWE Survivor Series 2014, Hunger Games – Mockingjay Part 1, Gems of War, Snowpiercer, Elite Dangerous, Dragon Age: Inquisition and Super Castlevania 4.

Jeff Burr’s ‘Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter’

We are back to Puppet Master and this time it is apparently personal. You know the deal at this point and hopefully don’t expect too much from these films, the supposed final chapter was going to be the end to the series but they decided to carry on with the franchise. This is the 2nd film in the series to be a direct sequel to the previous installment bringing back Gordon Currie, Guy Rolfe and Teresa Hill. Lets dive into this tale of dark goings on in a world beyond the vision of man, a world populated by animated creatures by devious magic. Lets get it on.

Not a Police Station

Not a police station.

So the film opens with the previous protagonist Rick Myer (Gordon Currie) being accused of murder due to the killings at the Bodega Bay Motel. Rick has a witness who would be able to confirm that he did not murder his friends but sadly the witness is his girlfriend Lauren (Teresa Hill) who has fallen into a coma. After hearing his torrid tale of terrifying tools manifested by the god Suketh, the new head of artificial intelligence and Ricks new boss Susie (Chandra West) decides to post bail and help investigate further. Turns out Suketh is still stewing about the whole losing to a mortal thing and takes the drastic action of putting his essence into one the spiky bastards from the last film. With Suketh now on Earth hunting Rick he will need all his friends back again to prove his power, possibly defeat Suketh and save Lauren. Will he suceed witht he help of Obi Wan Toulon (Guy Rolfe)? Will he take the mantle of Puppet Master? What will worry the world of who Suketh be?

Kind of hot

Weird but in a sexy way.

I have watched many bad films in my time, sometimes those films are campy neon drenched madness and sometimes they are boring dull repetitive wastes of celluloid. At this point we have experienced some bipolar quality issues from this series and this film doesn’t help, considering the entry before The Final Chapter was enjoyable on a few different levels, it is even more dissapointing to watch something like this. On the plus side because Suketh has put his essence within a vessel to send to Earth we no longer have to see the awful puppet version but the negative effect of this is we don’t get the slight campy feeling of this obviously awful thing bumbling about. The villains are once again the scabby little things which have no personality or shock value (Especially now they have been used for 2 films).

Suketh Sucketh

If you cannot tell, that puppet has been shot.

The plot plods along and we get to a place that makes sense within the realms of the fictional universe that has been set up, the problem is that the universe has lost it’s most dynamic and interesting character. The sense of a scrambling need to bring back Toulon is evident towards the end when we once again get an appearance from Guy Rolfe giving the same message from Puppet Master 4. There is no use in asking why in this film because we know why, money. Everything wrong with this series is the continuation of a series that should have died but didn’t, it should have died but like Toulon they retcon what they can and revive it.

Still a Puppet

Suketh Sucketh. See what I did there, fucking word boom.

Blargh, well it happened I watched it and now we have to do Puppet Master 6. In terms of a school for this one it gets a David Spade, you’ll remember the past and a little nolstagia will drift in but then you remember what it did later on which makes you sad.

Guy Rolfe

Stop it Guy Rolfe you are better than this!

Edward D. Murphy’s ‘Raw Force AKA Kung Fu Cannibals’

Look at that title! Who needs marketing when you have a name like Kung Fu Cannibals! I found this film by chance, my friend was trying to find something to watch and emerged with this classic on a blank DVD (We had reservations after recently watching Ringu but braved the possibility of death via media). Hastily scribbled on the label was the name and nothing else, we salivated that the prospect of the spectacular idea of martial arts man eaters (I beg someone to use that title for a movie). I sat and as the film blared into life I gave my time willingly (The beer helped me lavishly lay down my precious minutes). Let’s get into this tale of high kicking cannibal chaos.

Warrior Island Leaflet

Glossy leaflets welcome people to Warrior Island which means they must have some sort of marketing department.

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Cameron Mitchell appears to love boats and topless martial artists.

So we open up on 3 women being flown to an island by 3 lecherous young men and 1 Hitler impersonator, upon arriving at the island the women are offered to some monks who trade them for a large quantity of jade. One of the women is not to the monks liking and she is rejected (This appears to upset her greatly) which causes her to panic, run off into some bushes and subsequently get killed by a blue zombie samurai. Cut to Capt. Harry Dodds (Cameron Mitchell) bitching about the cruise ship owner Hazel Buck (Hope Holiday) to the resident cook and martial arts expert Go Chin (Rey Malonzo). Soon enough it is all hands on deck as they set sail for Warrior Island but not before doing some shopping in town (Which seems to consist of bar’s, brothels and the Jade goods equivalent of Walmart). After encountering the lecherous bastards and one man Adolf fan club they find themselves being chased on the high seas as the boat comes ever closer to reaching Warriors Island. Will they meet the mad manic monks masticating maidens? Is the price of murder really just some green rocks? Who is doing the marketing for Warriors Island because the leaflets are excellent.

SinnerMan

This man is simply called Religious Freak in the credits and is fucking insane.

Bowie and Arrow

This guys name is now Bowie and arrow.

This movie is amazing so there is no bad this review! Between the poor acting, broken dialogue and terrible ADR there are moments of true brilliance but the parts that are bad still manage to entertain. This film has entered my collection of so bad it’s good right next to the insane Miami Connection (Both films back to back would be a great double bill) and seeing this brought a sense of people really enjoyed making something with every intention of creating greatness.

Shitler and his gang of idiots.

Here is Shitler and his henchmen.

More good! So the actors all seem to be in this film to make something great, this is evidence by several scenes that contain a gleeful energy as people jump into shot with a smile ready to take down bad guys. Cameron Mitchell plays it straight but every so often you get the sense that even he is having a laugh. One of my favourite lines comes from one of the final scenes in which Mr Mitchell screams “I saw Clint Eastwood do this once!” to which he turns and corner and just fires at the enemy making the line completely irrelevant. One women explains that she is on the run from the Mafia for around 20 minutes before entirely disappearing from the film never to return again (I think we are to assume she perishes on the boat but this is never confirmed).

Poor man's axe

Bandit plus axe equals murder.

This isn’t a problem but the romantic sub-plots are entirely pointless as everyone seems hell-bent on getting naked regardless the occasion but I think that the massive amounts of nudity may have stemmed from an attempt at pleasing several audiences at once.

Fucking zombies

Spoiler: Zombies!

If you are looking for a film that contains Horror, Action, Adventure, Drama and masses of bewbs you cannot do much better than this underrated classic. I highly recommend it and give the film a brilliant Tom Atkins, you will never feel like you have wasted your time viewing this little known masterpiece.

Monks

These monks love their job.

Patrick Hughes’s ‘The Expendables 3’

Boom! Action! Sylvester Stallone! Explosion! Yes it is that time again, Expendables 3 has been released and is not doing very well in the cinema. Assembling one of the biggest cast list so far Sylvester Stallone has created what is essentially a role call of people that really need to stop and act their age. Among the walking skeletons that comprise the usual suspects for this movie we also have a corpse that once played Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Frasier Crane/Beast (Kelsey Grammer) and Mad Man Max (Mel Gibson), also thrown in is Antonio Banderas but he is amazing so we don’t mock him (Some how he elevates his scenes into something watchable). Holy fuck this film is stuffed with known names and to even it out slightly we have a few new stars to the series who are essentially inconsequential and Ronda Rousey who really deserves better because she, like Antonio, is amazing in this.

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Hot and more than capable of actually killing a man.

The plot is loosely based on a bible fable about Jesus, finding his disciples are no longer up to the task of spreading the lords word decides to upgrade them. In the film Jesus is replaced by Sylvester Stallone (Played by some scraps of tanned leather), Satan is played by Mel Gibson (Played by a mental hospital resident) and the lords word is now death by bullets, they love to spread death by bullets. Welcome to the geopolitically inaccurate world of Expendables 3, a film in which every place full of bad guys ends with -stan. The new blood introduced into the exist team of seasoned veterans is captured by Satan and Jesus must rally the old team of leather puppets back into action to save the day. Explosion noise!

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It’s like a leather factory exploded and then the remnants got together to make a film.

The cast has a few additions this time around and no really adds anything except for the previously mentioned heroes Ronda Rousey and Antonio Banderas, the film lights up as they fight together in a later scene. Ronda is clearly an athlete and shows off some insane physicality in the finale, grappling men while shooting at others. Mr Banderas plays an older version of his desperado character although more spritely and hamming it up as he chews scenery trying to flirt while taking out multiple nameless villains, again during the aforementioned finale. Wesley Snipes is more curious then entertaining as the new character Doc Death, a copy of Rob Christmas who was a member of the OG Expendables (As was Mad Mel), he seems to having fun acting as a good version of the character he played for Demolition Man. Mel Gibson just chews the script, the scenery and anything else that gets anywhere near him when he gets a chance to speak, clearly he took this as a chance to show he can still be a hammy action guy even if he is now batting for the villains team.

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Taking aim at the script and possibly someone of race because he is still Mel Gibson.

Less impressive are the old dogs who seem to be sleeping through this one. Schwarzenegger has resorted to repeating most of his old catch phrases, Jet Li is barely in it, Terry Crews is absent from 70% of the movie and poor Jason Statham is humiliated for being British. Stallone comes off the worst, attempting to replace the existing team for some hammy reason that puts others at risk after seeing none of them perform in a warzone and basing the hiring of them on a terrible montage. I think it is fair to say that what the Expendables need to think about is losing Stallone, he is one of the oldest members of the team and all of the worries about getting too old or too slow ring far truer for him.

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His wrinkles have wrinkles!

The film is easy to watch without thinking about what happens and this makes the rambling old men firing guns a little more bearable. This series needs to stop taking itself so seriously, sink into some campy action like ‘Commando’, bring back the squibs from ‘Robocop’, bring back 80’s one liners if you are going to revive the stars and stop pretending to be high art.

There are a great 15 minutes in this film, those 15 minutes do not include most of the cast so really the question is why are we not utilising these people? I give this film 1 Rob Schneider out of Sean Astin, sleep through most of it if you can.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

 

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So it appears that Michael Bay wants to destroy almost every property that holds some nostalgic joy for anyone born in or around the 80’s. The turtles started as comic book heroes intentionally riffing on Frank Millers style of writing but did not truly take off until they starred in a TV series aimed at children. After the TV series was a hit we had the first film which was something in between the comic and TV, a dark, gritty romp with comedy elements that did not betray the source material. Now it’s 2014 and after 4 films we have a new live action fare from producer Michael Bay and directed by Jonathan Liebesman.

Not pictured here; Artists. These assholes are laughing all the way to the bank.

Our story starts with April O’Neil (Megan Fox) attempting to report on a mysterious vigilante fighting back against the foot clan, dragging her camera man Vernon Fenwick (Will Arnett) into the investigation. Meanwhile Eric Sachs (William Fichtner) vows to stop the foot clan from attacking and stealing from the populous. Our heroes Leonardo (Johnny Knoxville), Donatello (Jeremy Howard), Michelangelo (Noël Fisher) and Raphael (Alan Richton) are trained by splinter (Tony Shalhoub) to fight back against the foot while living in the sewers. When April O’Neil is revealed to have played a key role in the creation of the turtles, she is put in danger and must work with the them to stop Shredder (Tohoru Masamune) from doing something involving mutagen.

Not the worst thing in this movie.

So, let’s get to the characters, April is fine and works within the universe of the turtles, I am not a fan of Megan Fox but she seems to be trying here, Will Arnett is her comedy sidekick and shares much of his screen time with her. The turtles are pretty big and that does not always work, when fighting it seems like nothing can oppose them even when they are fighting heavily armoured vehicles BUT they have got the personalities right. Splinter seems to be affected by this less and despite a few changes to the origin story he is Splinter, tail and all. Shredder is a transformer style robot and this is the biggest issue, a slow lumbering giant suit of armour goes up against a super fast bunch of turtles expecting to win, it just does not seem thought out but Bay has to get his transformers in somehow.

Left foot then right foot, come on Shredder we have practised this do not embarrass yourself in the giant robot armour.

The story is actually not that bad, it matches up with the older cartoons but as the turtles are bigger so are the enemies which means we see gun brandishing troops vs turtles instead of the traditional foot ninjas. Everyone has a role to play and Raphael learns his lesson about team work through a solo defeat against Shredformer. April learning about her father and his ties to Sach make for a subplot but it isn’t required in a film like this nor is the change to the origin story that shoe horns in characters for no reason.

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If you loved the origin before prepare to be disappointed.

All in all this film is mediocre and that is probably the best that can be expected when you have Bay and Liebesman (The director of Wrath of the Titans for fuck sake, who thought he was a good choice?) bastardising a well loved property. Fingers crossed there is no sequel.

I give this a Sean Astin (2nd worst score) since my love of the original series kept me watching but the film left me wandering how much Bay influenced everything.

Smug Asshole.