Critapocalypse Episode 8! Great Cock Fire of Balls!

We have banded together once again to discuss the finer things in life, not wine, cheese and stale crackers but video games, films, music and occasionally, life.



You know the drill at this point and if you don’t you will get the jist pretty quickly. We review stuff while we chat the night away, we then record these mad ramblings and edit them into a format for your earholes.


Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you. You fucking son of a bitch.

This week we talk about (Time codes for youtube only):

Total Overdose: 00:01:20
Infamous First light: 00:09:42
Chinese Zodiac: 00:14:47
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies: 00:22:14
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor and lamentations for original gaming: 00:31:32
Grown Ups 2: 00:46:44
13 Assassins: 01:02:11
Worms Battlegrounds: 01:08:50

So get your steaming pile of sex voices right here:

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Youtube

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Soundcloud


Charles Band’s ‘Puppet Master 8: The Legacy’

I really cannot express my disappointment when watching this movie and realising that it is essentially a series of clips from the previous films. I really cannot justify reviewing this as a film, if you wanted to see everything that is shown here you probably would have watched the previous films in this series.

Kiss me you FOOL!


The “story” revolves around Peter Hertz (Jacob Whitkin) who was the young boy saved by Andre Toulon in the third film. Peter is now the Puppet Master and has been cornered by the mysterious Maclain (Kate Orsini) who is seeking a way to destroy the nefarious marionettes and save the souls trapped inside. Eventually she kills him or something along those lines, many clips of other films are shown in between.

Shoot him you FOOL!


It’s difficult to pinpoint the reason for Charles Band to create this film using mostly footage previously seen. On one hand it could have been that he wished to show the journey the puppets have gone on but if that was the case you would pick scenes of emotional depth and not just murdering. This intention could have been for this to just be a kill compilation but then you have to question the book ending segments involving Maclain and Peter.

Cat eyes!


All in all this really shouldn’t be classed as a separate film, it feels more like a DVD extra that would come in a box set more than a piece deserving any narrative. I recommend avoiding this and give it an Adam Sandler, you know it’s going to be shit but it depends on your tolerance for that sort of thing.

A Thankless Thank You

Thank you for all the monies!

David DeCoteau’s ‘Puppet Master 7: Retro Puppet Master’

Here we go again, back into the fray once more my friends, once more into the bitter night. Puppet Master 7 is a prequel to all the films preceding it, we will finally learn where it was that Toulon learnt to the secret which allowed him his string less marionette’s (A plot point first seen all the way back in Puppet Master 2). Let’s get into the wood and paint of this.  Not how you spell college

Fun Fact: This is not Swedish for college.

So we join Andre Toulon (Guy Rolfe) on the run from the Nazis and hiding out in one of his old bases located in Switzerland. Within his puppet case he finds the head of one of his original creations named Cyclops and recounts the Puppet Master Origin story to his animated marionettes.

The story starts with a man named Afzel (Jack Donner) a 3000 year old Egyptian sorcerer running from some assailants through Cairo. He defeats his pursuers and begins his journey to Paris. We cut to Paris in 1902 and the young Toulon (The Room’s Greg Sestero) whose friends are helping him operate his puppets in a large theatre. Meanwhile Elsa (Brigitta Dau) is the daughter of an ambassador and has run away in order to escape her father’s tyrannical hold.

Elsa arrives at the theatre to watch the show but is distracted once she spots and falls instantly in love with Toulon. Afzel appears on the steps of the theatre injured by 3 Egyptian mummies resurrected by Suketh; Toulon is told the story of the spell of animation (Which Afzel stole in the beginning) and taught the secret thus taking his first steps to becoming the Puppet Master. Elsa’s father does not approve of her new love, deciding that it is best for her to be taken away from Paris and married to another (Which he appears to have chosen).

The 3 mummies return and kill Toulon’s friends when they attempt to defend the theatre. Using the souls of his fallen comrades Toulon animates his friend’s puppets and the fight is on, to save Elsa, stop Suketh’s groovy ghoolies and escape Paris, all the while making his first steps towards becoming a true Puppet Master.

Evil guys

These are reanimated mummies.

I don’t know if you can tell from that plot synopsis but this film has a lot going on and (Surprisingly) handles it all very well. The story makes some modicum of sense which is great, I just wish this was the start to the series and not the end of the initial run. Information is given in a clear way and Guy Rolfe’s scenes offer a nice intro, I have stated previously that he was a highlight of these movies and that still rings true in this entry. All the puppets are given the souls of Toulon’s friends and this makes us slightly more invested in them but it isn’t made clear if they are the same as the current iteration of puppets.

Young Toulon

This guy went on to start the Realdoll company.

All in all this film does well at adding to the mythology and isn’t difficult to enjoy. The accents maybe terrible in places and the cliché characters could be ripped from any film but this is a cheesy horror film which means we allow some small indiscretions. I enjoyed this movie and would recommend watching it before any of the other films. It serves as another nice high point, gives context to the different puppets and shows us the basis for Toulon’s romance with Elsa.

Retro Squats

The spell requires you take a squat on the dead bodies face.

I hold this film in high regards and would give it a Timothy Olyphant, it won’t be the film you expect to watch but it’s always a bt of a treat.

Christopher Hart’s ‘Eat and Run’

Continuing my journey into the weird I decided today that I would watch the film Eat and Run which I recently liberated from Poundland. I usually have zero expectations from these movies but this one starred an actor from the fantastic Timecop and I was immediately intrigued. So lets get into the meat and potatoes of this fucking movie picture.

This lady is also in the movie. SPOILERS she plays a judge.

An alien lands on earth and appears humanoid in form, shortly after arriving a kindly Italian man offers this creature a lift assuming it is just another person but it turns out the alien has a taste for flesh! He proceeds to steal the car and travel to New York to continue his killing spree, it also turns out after eating one he has developed a taste for Italian. Enter Mickey McSorely (Ron Silver) A down on his luck cop who is looking to make a bust and hungry to solve the case, he soon tracks down the alien, drugs him and arrests him. It would seem justice has been served but a loathsome lawyer works his devil magic and has the newly named alien released under the name Murray Creature (Pat Ryan). McSorely has his badge taken away due to the embarrassment of the whole court case and is forced to go it alone and hopefully stop the creature from striking again.

Do you think this guy puts Eat and Run on his CV?

Plot wise there is a bit more too it but really the whole things is redundant as this is actually a parody. I’m not against parody films in general it just seems that the genre has recently received some hate due to the often terrible Movie Movies (Date, Scary, Disaster etc). This is actually not a bad comedy, some jokes actually made me laugh but occassionaly the jokes fall on the more racist side of things. The sets are cheap and often nothing happens for stretches, the main character and his father narrate the story vocally (Which other characters can hear) which is a slightly different way of delivering exposition but still there is A LOT of exposition.

Captain Exposition.

Sound is nothing of note and often ADR is evident but sometimes music from the shoot can be heard at a higher volume than the sound mix. The music is almost non-existent but occasionally there is something that sounds vaguely like Spanish music for some reason. The scene in the beginning with the alien discovering his penchant for Italian people has one of the most cartoonish eating noises you will ever hear which is the first hint that this is a parody.

The first of many hints during this movie.

This film despite being sometimes offensive is not entirely bad, it beats everything Adam Sandler has done for the last 5 years and could be worse. This film was actually listed as Horror which made it all the more suprising to watch. I would probably recommend it as a curiosity, not something I would actively recommend seeking out. I give it a Mad Mel Gibson, maybe if it was less racist and more focused it could be a new Sci Fi Airplane but it really falls short.

Michael J. Bassett’s ‘Silent Hill: Revelation’

Ugh, why? What is the reason behind films like this coming into existence, who really thinks it is a good idea to make them? So after the lacklustre box office returns of the initial Silent Hill movie (If you didn’t know, both are based on a video game series) someone wrote a treatment for a new film based on the property and instead of following the plot of one of the games, made a direct sequel. Lets get into the plot of this abomination.


The lady on the left is Queen Exposition and the lady on the right is Heather.

Heather (Adelaide Clemens) is having vivid nightmares revolving around a place called Silent Hill and a funfair. Harry (Sean Bean) is Heathers adopted father and attempts to protect his daughter from the evils of Silent Hill by moving her around the country. Heather is starting her new school (Which appears to be an awkward process as she immediately begins clashing with other students) after her introduction Vincent (Kit Harington) enters and instantly catches her eye. When Harry is taken by some of the apparitions that inhabit Heathers nightmares, she enlists Vincent to drive her to Silent Hill and unravel the mystery of her past.


So. Very. Bland.

So this film is loosely based on the third Silent Hill game which was the first in the series to have a female protagonist and gave you a weapon immediately (Female empowerment!). Unlike previous games the monsters were not based on the characters fears and fetishes (Which is good because you play as a 15 year old girl) but instead rehashed some of the monsters from Silent Hill 2 with a couple of new ghoulies thrown in. The game was good but failed to meet the expectation of the previous entry which is widely considered one of the greatest survival horror games of all time. I like the series of games and watched the first film with the hope of a B-movie horror with some familiar characters and a very original setting, what I got was pretty shit.


3D! It’s like the bad CGI is coming out of the screen!

The film itself is badly acted, plotted, edited and shot. There really isn’t a good thing that can be said for it, ambition could be but only in the sense that they shoe horn in some small cameos at the end (Trevor is the truck driving protagonist from Silent Hill: The Book of Memories and the prison bus is a reference to Silent Hill: Downpour) but it would be hard to believe another film would come of this pile of putrid, boring shit. Sean Bean and Kit Harington are both brilliant actors wasted by being forced to put on some terrible American accents. The lead does her best but is fucking atrocious which could be the fault of her or the script. Carrie Anne Moss appears from nowhere dressed as a snow elf from Skyrim and Malcolm McDowell shows some side boob because well, you got to give the ladies something.


You’d think that Malcolm McDowell would have learnt to avoid shit films after TankGirl.

I detest this movie and really have no basis to recommend it. I would post spoilers to try and deter people from buying it, but at this point its 2 years old and flopped miserably so fate has worked in my favour. I give this film Adam Sandler, it really could have him shouting every 5 minutes and possibly meet the lofty cinematic heights of Grown Ups 2 or Jack and Jill. Avoid.


Let the laziness begin with the bland title card!

Adam Sandler was once a prominent figure in the American comedy circuit releasing big budget films which usually had some raunchy humour, in recent years he has started releasing some of the most sinister and unfunny films in the history of the media. How this happened is pretty clear, films like Little Nicky and The Waterboy did not do well in the cinema while films that appealed to a wider audience like Mr Deeds and Grown Ups did very well. So the decline began with mostly family friendly affairs where less effort was required to make money and so less effort was put into his films. We have had the travesty that was Jack and Jill, the putrid vomit on a page that was Grown Ups 2 and now we have Blended.

Sandler and his chums laughing all the way to the bank.

So the plot of his latest attempt at Oscar gold roughly translates to everyone who lives a life that does not emulate Adam Sandler’s own life are ammunition for jokes. Jim (Adam Sandler) and Lauren (Drew Barrymore) through a string of strange coincidences end up going on a trip to Africa with their families, Jim has 3 girls and Lauren has 2 boys the names of most of the children are unimportant but one child has been name ESPN which is a joke apparently. The 2 families experience a couple retreat as a ‘blended’ family and from there sparks fly and adventures are had bringing everybody closer. There are literally no jokes during the whole film, people fall over and natives are portrayed as idiots while Rhinos appear from nowhere so that a child can say vagina.

Not pictured here; comedians.

It is difficult to say something about this film that has not been said before, it is lazy and boring and really contains no real redeeming qualities, even Terry Crews is underused which is criminal since he can be such a charismatic presence in other films. Every joke falls flat and the really mean jokes make me wander why this could be in a box office movie. I really hope that one day Sandler does something serious like Funny People, Reign Over Me or Punch Drunk Love which all showed he has talent as an actor and to waste it on the puddle of shit he has been wading in for the last few years is criminal. The secret to Sandler playing these serious roles is that he simply stops making jokes and acts like a human being for the most part, so he should stop making these terrible comedies and just make serious films, he has enough money to do so at this point so it is baffling that he hasn’t already.

Funny People is a film starring Adam Sandler in which he is the least funny thing and its all about cancer.

Blended really is a terrible movie, it is almost as bad as Jack and Jill but just not as sinister or insulting. Sandler has done worse but when Grown Ups 2 is on your IMDB page you really don’t need to make much effort. Fuck this movie and watch something starring someone else instead (Iliteration boom!).