Critapocalypse Episode 8! Great Cock Fire of Balls!

We have banded together once again to discuss the finer things in life, not wine, cheese and stale crackers but video games, films, music and occasionally, life.

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Life?

You know the drill at this point and if you don’t you will get the jist pretty quickly. We review stuff while we chat the night away, we then record these mad ramblings and edit them into a format for your earholes.

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Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you. You fucking son of a bitch.

This week we talk about (Time codes for youtube only):

Total Overdose: 00:01:20
Infamous First light: 00:09:42
Chinese Zodiac: 00:14:47
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies: 00:22:14
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor and lamentations for original gaming: 00:31:32
Grown Ups 2: 00:46:44
13 Assassins: 01:02:11
Worms Battlegrounds: 01:08:50

So get your steaming pile of sex voices right here:

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Youtube

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Soundcloud

Blended

Let the laziness begin with the bland title card!

Adam Sandler was once a prominent figure in the American comedy circuit releasing big budget films which usually had some raunchy humour, in recent years he has started releasing some of the most sinister and unfunny films in the history of the media. How this happened is pretty clear, films like Little Nicky and The Waterboy did not do well in the cinema while films that appealed to a wider audience like Mr Deeds and Grown Ups did very well. So the decline began with mostly family friendly affairs where less effort was required to make money and so less effort was put into his films. We have had the travesty that was Jack and Jill, the putrid vomit on a page that was Grown Ups 2 and now we have Blended.

Sandler and his chums laughing all the way to the bank.

So the plot of his latest attempt at Oscar gold roughly translates to everyone who lives a life that does not emulate Adam Sandler’s own life are ammunition for jokes. Jim (Adam Sandler) and Lauren (Drew Barrymore) through a string of strange coincidences end up going on a trip to Africa with their families, Jim has 3 girls and Lauren has 2 boys the names of most of the children are unimportant but one child has been name ESPN which is a joke apparently. The 2 families experience a couple retreat as a ‘blended’ family and from there sparks fly and adventures are had bringing everybody closer. There are literally no jokes during the whole film, people fall over and natives are portrayed as idiots while Rhinos appear from nowhere so that a child can say vagina.

Not pictured here; comedians.

It is difficult to say something about this film that has not been said before, it is lazy and boring and really contains no real redeeming qualities, even Terry Crews is underused which is criminal since he can be such a charismatic presence in other films. Every joke falls flat and the really mean jokes make me wander why this could be in a box office movie. I really hope that one day Sandler does something serious like Funny People, Reign Over Me or Punch Drunk Love which all showed he has talent as an actor and to waste it on the puddle of shit he has been wading in for the last few years is criminal. The secret to Sandler playing these serious roles is that he simply stops making jokes and acts like a human being for the most part, so he should stop making these terrible comedies and just make serious films, he has enough money to do so at this point so it is baffling that he hasn’t already.

Funny People is a film starring Adam Sandler in which he is the least funny thing and its all about cancer.

Blended really is a terrible movie, it is almost as bad as Jack and Jill but just not as sinister or insulting. Sandler has done worse but when Grown Ups 2 is on your IMDB page you really don’t need to make much effort. Fuck this movie and watch something starring someone else instead (Iliteration boom!).