Michael J. Bassett’s ‘Silent Hill: Revelation’

Ugh, why? What is the reason behind films like this coming into existence, who really thinks it is a good idea to make them? So after the lacklustre box office returns of the initial Silent Hill movie (If you didn’t know, both are based on a video game series) someone wrote a treatment for a new film based on the property and instead of following the plot of one of the games, made a direct sequel. Lets get into the plot of this abomination.

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The lady on the left is Queen Exposition and the lady on the right is Heather.

Heather (Adelaide Clemens) is having vivid nightmares revolving around a place called Silent Hill and a funfair. Harry (Sean Bean) is Heathers adopted father and attempts to protect his daughter from the evils of Silent Hill by moving her around the country. Heather is starting her new school (Which appears to be an awkward process as she immediately begins clashing with other students) after her introduction Vincent (Kit Harington) enters and instantly catches her eye. When Harry is taken by some of the apparitions that inhabit Heathers nightmares, she enlists Vincent to drive her to Silent Hill and unravel the mystery of her past.

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So. Very. Bland.

So this film is loosely based on the third Silent Hill game which was the first in the series to have a female protagonist and gave you a weapon immediately (Female empowerment!). Unlike previous games the monsters were not based on the characters fears and fetishes (Which is good because you play as a 15 year old girl) but instead rehashed some of the monsters from Silent Hill 2 with a couple of new ghoulies thrown in. The game was good but failed to meet the expectation of the previous entry which is widely considered one of the greatest survival horror games of all time. I like the series of games and watched the first film with the hope of a B-movie horror with some familiar characters and a very original setting, what I got was pretty shit.

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3D! It’s like the bad CGI is coming out of the screen!

The film itself is badly acted, plotted, edited and shot. There really isn’t a good thing that can be said for it, ambition could be but only in the sense that they shoe horn in some small cameos at the end (Trevor is the truck driving protagonist from Silent Hill: The Book of Memories and the prison bus is a reference to Silent Hill: Downpour) but it would be hard to believe another film would come of this pile of putrid, boring shit. Sean Bean and Kit Harington are both brilliant actors wasted by being forced to put on some terrible American accents. The lead does her best but is fucking atrocious which could be the fault of her or the script. Carrie Anne Moss appears from nowhere dressed as a snow elf from Skyrim and Malcolm McDowell shows some side boob because well, you got to give the ladies something.

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You’d think that Malcolm McDowell would have learnt to avoid shit films after TankGirl.

I detest this movie and really have no basis to recommend it. I would post spoilers to try and deter people from buying it, but at this point its 2 years old and flopped miserably so fate has worked in my favour. I give this film Adam Sandler, it really could have him shouting every 5 minutes and possibly meet the lofty cinematic heights of Grown Ups 2 or Jack and Jill. Avoid.

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David Cronenberg’s ‘The Fly’

   

Because all my reviews are non traditional I am going to start this one by saying I love this movie. Remakes have become a trend recently, this is odd considering that they have been a part of cinema for a few decades but recently it seems like properties are being revived all the time. Remakes are usually shameless attempts to churn out a cheap film using the good name of a previous hit (Delivery Man is one steaming pile of an example) but sometimes they can stand as a beast all of their own, The Fly is one example of that occurring. 

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The secret to a good remake is Goldblum.

The original was a tale of science gone wrong and dealt with themes like technology, evolution and alienation. Many would argue that the 80’s was not a time when technology was something to be feared but Mr Cronenberg saw opportunity to spin the classic tale into his own twisted story of Man becoming something more.

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More of something is not always a good thing.

The plot centres on Seth Brundall (Jeff Goldblum) creating a teleportation device which he gleefully shows off to a disbelieving journalist Veronica Quaife (Geena Davis) after meeting at a party. After a few initial tests Seth makes the decision to test the device on himself. When he starts exhibiting some odd behaviour Veronica becomes worried and finds that Seth is changing into something part man and part fly. She goes to her boss Stathis Borans (John Getz) in an attempt to get some help for Seth but it maybe too late, he may no longer be human and may now be Brundlefly.

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I think the moment you melt a mans foot off you have to revaluate your life decisions. 

So the actors in the film are all perfect, Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum were a couple at the time which means the chemistry is dead on. John Getz plays the ex boyfriend and boss to Davis getting a couple of good scenes but mostly plays the traditional villainous ex but has a noticeably fun time with some of the more hammy lines.

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Jeff’s hair should be credited as a supporting character.

The script is rich with a few brilliant lines that have become well known to horror fans. Geena Davis delivers the tagline for the film “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” Goldblum gets the great line “Yeah, I’m a body builder. I take bodies apart and put them together again.” Everything feels like the natural progression and evolution of the characters. There is a bit of a gap in time during the transformation scenes but since I have never known someone to change into a man fly I really cannot complain that anything occurs too quickly.

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I feel like the fingernails would not have come off early on, takes at least a week to build up that much puss.

Every aspect of those film is fantastic, if you haven’t seen it before I would highly recommend watching this incredibly crafted piece of cinema. This movie gets all the Goldblums, I cannot put into written word just how brilliant every minute is, I first saw it when I was 8 (Not my parents fault) and love it now I’m 25 which means it has stood the test of time for one person.

On a side note I would also recommend attempting to watch the sequel, it is not the classic the proceeded it but when consider it’s own beast has some nice moments and has a great revenge scene against the main bad guy.

I fucking hate this guy and he really deserves his fate.

Body Melt

 

Body Melt is a movie from the 90’s that attempts to both ape and emulate the body horror movement of the 80’s. Directed by Philip Brophy the film lacks any notable stars beyond a few people who have since had success on TV in soap operas like Neighbours. Lets try and get into the plot of the movie and see if I can make some sense from this mess.

Someone who is experiencing A Body Melt.

So the film centres around a company that produces vitamins to help increase immunity to illnesses and the health of the human race, the newest product is a powdered vitamin drink which the lucky people of Pebbles Court get free samples of. As the residents try the new drink it is revealed that it causes mutations in humans but not before causing some gory transformations. Everything takes place in a sort of anthology so each segment is treated as its own narrative with a few over arching points.

Bag pipes, this is just a picture of some red bagpipes.

After trying the vitamin drink a man begins hallucinating a mysterious women who sometimes appears as a corpse, sometimes as a normal sexy lady. He begins to feel worse and worse until finally he transforms into a pointy faced monster man. His is probably the least interesting story.

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But it is the most sexy.

Meanwhile 2 young men travel out to a health clinic to donate sperm to the mysterious vitamin company. After some car trouble the 2 are forced to visit a local farm to have the windshield replaced, the residence of the farm all appear to be a bit off but the pair try to kill some time by hanging out with them. One of the boys has sex with Bruce Willis in a wig while the other attempts to escape by getting in a car and turning left.

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Really?

Our third segment follows a family checking into the local health clinic for various reasons. The father is having issues with a runny nose, the son is hyperactive, the mother is neurotic and the daughter seems to be the only one with a brain as she notices things are not quite as they seem.

Massive tongue syndrome is sadly fatal.

In the final segment we meet a young couple who are expecting a child. The women visits the local doctor who injects her with some mystery liquid and her foetus transforms into a monster which rips her apart and forces itself into the throat of the man. The finale is dedicated to him vomiting on the police force as they murder him in cold blood for being all messed up. 

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Ouchies!

The plot just does not work but the director really works hard to tie all the stories together with book end segments involving Howard from Neighbours as a villainous doctor. The problem with the film is that, despite all the work to make the different segments fit, they just do not. None of those stories are supposed to be part of an anthology, that is most evident when watching the middle section involving the Australlian hillbilly and the time shifts massively.

Wait, Bruce Willis is in this?

I would not recommend this film to most people but if you are into gory body horror then this should be treated as a curiosity, the special effects are very good and some of the scenes show sparks of inspiration. The acting and script are pretty awful but that may also act as part of the charm in a group viewing.

This film really does live up to the title Ozploitation and in the process of doing so, earns itself a score of one Dustin Hoffman out of Patrick Swayze.