Critapocalypse Episode 8! Great Cock Fire of Balls!

We have banded together once again to discuss the finer things in life, not wine, cheese and stale crackers but video games, films, music and occasionally, life.



You know the drill at this point and if you don’t you will get the jist pretty quickly. We review stuff while we chat the night away, we then record these mad ramblings and edit them into a format for your earholes.


Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you. You fucking son of a bitch.

This week we talk about (Time codes for youtube only):

Total Overdose: 00:01:20
Infamous First light: 00:09:42
Chinese Zodiac: 00:14:47
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies: 00:22:14
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor and lamentations for original gaming: 00:31:32
Grown Ups 2: 00:46:44
13 Assassins: 01:02:11
Worms Battlegrounds: 01:08:50

So get your steaming pile of sex voices right here:

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Youtube

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Soundcloud


Christopher Hart’s ‘Eat and Run’

Continuing my journey into the weird I decided today that I would watch the film Eat and Run which I recently liberated from Poundland. I usually have zero expectations from these movies but this one starred an actor from the fantastic Timecop and I was immediately intrigued. So lets get into the meat and potatoes of this fucking movie picture.

This lady is also in the movie. SPOILERS she plays a judge.

An alien lands on earth and appears humanoid in form, shortly after arriving a kindly Italian man offers this creature a lift assuming it is just another person but it turns out the alien has a taste for flesh! He proceeds to steal the car and travel to New York to continue his killing spree, it also turns out after eating one he has developed a taste for Italian. Enter Mickey McSorely (Ron Silver) A down on his luck cop who is looking to make a bust and hungry to solve the case, he soon tracks down the alien, drugs him and arrests him. It would seem justice has been served but a loathsome lawyer works his devil magic and has the newly named alien released under the name Murray Creature (Pat Ryan). McSorely has his badge taken away due to the embarrassment of the whole court case and is forced to go it alone and hopefully stop the creature from striking again.

Do you think this guy puts Eat and Run on his CV?

Plot wise there is a bit more too it but really the whole things is redundant as this is actually a parody. I’m not against parody films in general it just seems that the genre has recently received some hate due to the often terrible Movie Movies (Date, Scary, Disaster etc). This is actually not a bad comedy, some jokes actually made me laugh but occassionaly the jokes fall on the more racist side of things. The sets are cheap and often nothing happens for stretches, the main character and his father narrate the story vocally (Which other characters can hear) which is a slightly different way of delivering exposition but still there is A LOT of exposition.

Captain Exposition.

Sound is nothing of note and often ADR is evident but sometimes music from the shoot can be heard at a higher volume than the sound mix. The music is almost non-existent but occasionally there is something that sounds vaguely like Spanish music for some reason. The scene in the beginning with the alien discovering his penchant for Italian people has one of the most cartoonish eating noises you will ever hear which is the first hint that this is a parody.

The first of many hints during this movie.

This film despite being sometimes offensive is not entirely bad, it beats everything Adam Sandler has done for the last 5 years and could be worse. This film was actually listed as Horror which made it all the more suprising to watch. I would probably recommend it as a curiosity, not something I would actively recommend seeking out. I give it a Mad Mel Gibson, maybe if it was less racist and more focused it could be a new Sci Fi Airplane but it really falls short.

Gillian Robespierre’s ‘Obvious Child’

I feel like I don’t understand my generation, there seems to be this belief that we can all do jobs which don’t seem like jobs and live in our 20’s forever. I think it started with Garden State but really it probably stems further back than that. While I know that films are works of fiction and in many cases are the dream scenario for the individual who writes them. Lets get to the plot.

This lady is not a productive member of society.

Obvious Child is the story of Donna Stern (Jenny Slate) who works in a book shop but moonlights as a comedian at night. Her brash style of comedy upsets her boyfriend one night when she is particularly candid with their relationship and he leaves her. Donna seeks comfort from her mother Nancy Stern (Polly Draper), Nellie (Gaby Hoffman) and eventually on drunken one night stand Max (Jake Lacy). After spending the evening with Max she finds that she is pregnant and seeks to have the child aborted. She once again finds herself seeking comfort but avoid telling Max. As time goes on Max attempts to court Donna but she rebuffs him due to several stresses. Will they get together? Is the child obvious? Will she keep the baby?

Looks like that coffee tastes awful.

The first thing to say about this movie is that it feels less like it has been directed and more like it has been captured with a lot of the dialogue coming off as improvisational. As the films cast are mostly comedians improvisation works fine, non comedian actors are cast in roles that do not require any witty repertoire but occasionally get in a good line. Jenny Slate is fantastic in the title role bringing the right mix of vulnerability and strength, less strong is Jake Lacy but that maybe more to do with the script and the lack of characterisation for Max.

She’s hot and she does comedy. Essentially perfection but with more penis jokes.

As you can expect with a film about comedians the plot moves at a natural pace and everyone makes they’re intentions clear which is nice. It’s actually very refreshing after watching ‘The Strain’ for so long to see something which has characters making rational choices when under duress. The shooting style is intimate with a lot of close shots of the characters faces as they react to each other which is perfect for a film that is all about the characters.

I will never understand these crazy kids.

I would recommend this film to anyone in that awkward 20 to mid 30’s age range still searching for something to do with themselves for the rest of their existence. I give the film a Mad Mel Gibson and a half.

Lenny Abrahamson’s “Frank”

I have been aware of this film for a while, not because of the Frank Sidebottom face that has adorned the marketing (I am unaware of the character as I sadly was born in the arse end of the 80’s) but because of the stars Michael Fassbender and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I expected something based in the 70’s about a band that is striving for fame in a world of touring and probably some hits from the era, what I got was a whole different movie but that is in no way a bad thing.

Yellow willies, how whimsical!

Our film follows a young man named Jon Borroughs (Domhill Gleeson) who dreams of writing songs and playing in a band, sadly he does not have the talent to write anything of note. A chance encounter at the beach one day puts him in contact with the band Soronprfbs and the enigmatic Frank (Michael Fassbender). Soon enough Jon is part of Soronprfbs playing keyboard next to existing members Manager Don (Scott McNairy), Clara (Maggie Gyllenhaal), Baraque (Francois Civil) and Nana (Carla Azar). Together they play a single show before going separate ways, that is until Jon gets a call from Don asking him to join them in Ireland for a one off gig. Eventually it dawns on Jon that the gig has become an extended stay as the band attempts to record a new album.

Not going to spoil how it happens but here is a sasquatch using a MacBook.

One of the strangest aspects of the film is the use of Twitter and it’s integration into the story, It feels out of place but it maybe intentional as the only person to use any technology is Jon the outsider of the group looking in. The script is excellent, with many of the questions the audience may have being asked by Jon and others staying a mystery until the correct time to reveal the information. It seems everything is thought out, considered in the natural progression of time and events, it is nice to see a film like this have a cohesive timeline that we can see unfold on screen.

The band in a rare moment of cooperation.

Frank is a refreshing film that evokes a sense of a simpler time, the inclusion of social media seems jarring but it gives us a comparison to the more honest interactions that occur between the band members.

I maybe a little in love with Maggie Gyllenhaal.

I give the film a Tom Atkins (2nd best score), it is enjoyable without feeling too fluffy and avoids pandering to an audience that it is not intended for.

Glenn Miller’s ‘The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.’

It has been a long time since I have watched something that really destroys my perception of the media of film, be that a good or a bad thing it is usually unexpected. So as I sat down after placing this weeks DVD in my Xbox, I was prepared for the worst, then the film started and, well; I feel like calling it the worst thing I have ever seen is too high praise. Asylum (Creators of those mockbusters that attempt to cash in on big budget movies) have really out done themselves, this is the single most homophobic, sexist and genuinely insulting movie I have seen since Jack and Jill.


Apparently this film is set before gay couples could be married.

Our plot goes a little something like this. We are introduced to several members of a sorority who act on the basic instinct of fucking and eating, beyond that there is no further characterisation, no motive or reasoning behind any action. One sorority sister named Bunny/Geek Girl is different; she is more focused on work but also uses her skills to help make jelly shots for a party and make up for her “Sisters”. Geek Girl breaks up with her boyfriend and is given a time limit to find a new one or be forced from the sorority by our mean girl Bambi/Botox Lady. She does indeed find a man but (Shock horror!) he is a zombie. Cue madness involving a dead person that can walk but not talk and the fucking terrible movie that is wrapped around this loose premise.


This would make it seem like the villain wins but in actuality the whole scene has nothing to do with the plot.

Special effects are bad so I will skip that, acting is awful so we will also skip that, script is non-existent and the premise while not warn has been used several times. There is nothing good to be said for this film, I truly hope that no one watches it and think that anyone who reads this review with the slightest hint of curiosity should stop that shit right now, curiosity kills cats don’t you know?


Our heroes Geek Girl and Monthly Visitor.

I give this film Adam Sandler out of Grown Ups 2. Terrible, contrived shit is more compelling.


This man should know better at his age. 

Luke Greenfield’s ‘Lets Be Cops.’

So I went to see this comedy film about 2 guys that let a bad decision spiral out of control. In a few crazy comedic turns our leads go on a mad adventure, save some people and maybe learn a little about themselves in the process. Our director Luke Greenfield previously created the offbeat but well meaning The Animal and the incredible film The Girl Next Door. Jake Johnson who famously played Jesus and the affable loser Nick in New Girl (pretty much the same character as he plays here but with some American football success in his early years). Damon Wayans Jr was in the brilliant series Happy Endings (Cancelled way too early) and played Coach in the pilot for New Girl (He is now a recurring role apparently) much of his shtick is also very similar to previous roles but he has some great comedic timing.


The actors laugh when the audience are supposed to, that’s how we can tell something is funny.

The plot of the movie is that 2 guys who are down on their luck decide to attend a costume party as cops, little do they realise that it is a actually a masquerade ball and promptly leave. Walking through the streets they realise that the outfits are so realistic they can actually pass as real members of the police force. In a move that does not reflect any significant news stories that have occurred recently they abuse the power, a lot. When the abuse of power inadvertently stops some crimes the pair are notice by the wrong people. Could this mark the end for our heroes? Has the abuse of power mounted up? Will our heroes ever truly ‘Be Cops’?


Look, jokes about torture in a film with jokes about abuse of police power. Definitely too soon.

Being a comedy film that really is about 2 people abusing the power that comes with being a law enforcer, this really was a poorly timed release. With what happened in Ferguson and the murder of an unarmed teenager by a police man who definitely seemed to be abusing his power, you would really think that the film studio would maybe push back the release but no, sadly here we have the film on a wide release. It really is just a mediocre comedy which maybe the worst thing about it, both the leads are charming and could play these types of characters with minimal effort but they do try. Rob Riggle is great as a police officer that attempts to befriend the 2 under the belief they are actual officers, less successful though is Andy Garcia who sleeps through most of the scenes he is in and that really is a shame considering the pedigree he could bring to almost any film.


Look they are seeing a movie in a movie! Funny!

I guess the biggest crime for a film like this is just that it is so passive. If maybe it was released in the 80’s it would at least have an edge but here it is just blargh or ugh. I give it 1 fifth of a Mel Gibson.

Kimani Ray Smith’s ‘Evil Feed’

So I don’t know how I came across this film but it has found it’s way on to a screen allowing me to attempt to decipher it’s madness. Made in 2013 and starring no one I can find any recognisable credits for, Evil Feed is some schlock horror that is heavy on the gore and low on characterisation.

Girl you have one hell of a character.

Evil Feed starts with the bloody dismemberment of some unknown people by the kitchen staff of a Chinese restaurant named The Long Pig. The owner of the restaurant is killed by his son who soon takes over the business and turns everything into a bid-for-parts live dining experience. A group of young martial arts fans go to a training session but find the sensei is missing, as it turns out he has been captured and forced to fight as part of the bid-for-parts dining experience. It’s up to our intrepid heroes to fight the cannibal diners and save some people they may or may not know.


The film is actually well shot and the gore effects are a mix of practical/digital which is usually avoided in low budget horror due to the cost of sets. To avoid the sets costing a lot of money they use only a couple through the entire runtime. The prominent 2 sets are the restaurant and a MMA arena, there is also a kitchen but that is only seen twice for around 8 minutes in total.

Nicholas Cage is still method acting his character from Face/Off in hopes of a sequel.

The acting is subpar but in horror it doesn’t need to be great, one person that does make an impact is Terry Chen who plays Steven (The psychotic son of the original owner) and hams up the entire script like it was delivered to him written on pork products.

Script delivery for Mr Chen.

As with every horror film we get some boobs and penis, blood and gore, mayhem and murder all within the 90 minute runtime. It’s a fun ride and worth watching if you haven’t seen any other film about cannibals running a restaurant this week.

I give it a Nightmare on Elm Street 5, not great but watchable.