Critapocalypse Episode 8! Great Cock Fire of Balls!

We have banded together once again to discuss the finer things in life, not wine, cheese and stale crackers but video games, films, music and occasionally, life.

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Life?

You know the drill at this point and if you don’t you will get the jist pretty quickly. We review stuff while we chat the night away, we then record these mad ramblings and edit them into a format for your earholes.

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Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you and Fuck you. You fucking son of a bitch.

This week we talk about (Time codes for youtube only):

Total Overdose: 00:01:20
Infamous First light: 00:09:42
Chinese Zodiac: 00:14:47
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies: 00:22:14
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor and lamentations for original gaming: 00:31:32
Grown Ups 2: 00:46:44
13 Assassins: 01:02:11
Worms Battlegrounds: 01:08:50

So get your steaming pile of sex voices right here:

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Youtube

Critapocalypse Episode 8 Soundcloud

Robert Rodriguez’s ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’

VAMPIRE WEEK! As with earlier this week we are currently celebrating the end of The Strain by reviewing vampire films. Today we are getting into the seminal 1996 Crime-Drama-Action-Horror film directed by Robert Rodriguez starring George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino. If you haven’t seen it yet I would recommend doing so before getting into this review, the whole vampire things is kind of a spoiler so please check it out. Lets get into the sausage and mash.

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George Clooney taking a moment to hypnotise all the women.

Our story opens with 2 brothers Seth Gecko (George Clooney) and Richie Gecko (Quentin Tarantino) on the run from the law and blazing a trail across America with hopes of breaking through the border to safety. Meanwhile a family are going on a RV trip across America attempting to forget a recent loss, Pastor Dad Jacob (Harvey Keitel), Daughter Kate (Juliette Lewis) and Scott (Ernest Liu). The 2 groups collide and before you can say Hallelujah they are in Mexico waiting for Seth’s contact at the infamous Titty Twister. Before long the stunning Santanico Pandemonium (Selma Hayek) begins her dance and the patrons of the bar reveal their true nature. Will our heroes make it through the night? What lies in wait for Seth once they meet the contact? What is Tom Savini’s secret to immortality?

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I always wandered why people don’t use pencils as weapons in vampire films.

This film is a testament to the character writing of Robert Rodríguez, you want to know more but they reveal just enough, never spoiling the air of mystery or telling you more than you need to know. The story goes along following the standard beats of the crime film then flips completely and becomes a horror film. The director juggles everything expertly, making deplorable assholes people we actually want to survive and brings us holy water condoms.

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It’s like the last scene in the adventures except with more blood and less Robert Downey Jr.

Its a gleeful celebration of action and horror but it is not without it’s issues. Characters like Richie, although short lived, just don’t need to be so evil, you can make a character bad but when you create a character without restrain or relatable traits the audience is unable to sympathise when he dies. There is also no sense of urgency until the finale, time just happens and most of what happens is within a 24 hour period but that is really just a small issue.

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Thank you Salma Hayek for just being you. Awesome.

I love this film and highly recommend watching it, there is also a documentary called Full Tilt Boogie the making of From Dusk Till Dawn which is decent. Anyway check this film out, I give it a Tom Atkins – Man of Action. Classic, chaotic cinema from Mr Rodriguez.

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Do people like having their nipples twisted?

Duane Clark’s ‘Valentines Day’

Ah Poundland, you keep on giving me the gift of random DVDs and this week we have Valentines Day (Know as Protector in America) starring Mario Van Peebles and Randy Quaid. I’m excited since I have been a fan of Mario Van Peebles since Highlander 3 which has some spectacularly hammy dialogue but everyone seems to be diving into the madness. Let’s see if we have as much fun with todays Random DVD.

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Thank you Poundland!

We open up on Jack Valentine (Mario Van Peebles) receive his gun from Phil (Randy Quaid) after an absence from the police force. 6 months into his new stint Jack meets Alma (Zehra Leverman) who is present at the mob hit of Tony Denisio who seems to have had all his fingers in the pies. Jack is immediately drawn to Alma for her cold demeanour and cool attitude. The FBI give Jack just 2 weeks to get to the bottom of the murder and his time is running out fast, as he investigates further he finds that the hit maybe more than it seems. Will this be Jack Valentines last case or will he solve it before his time runs out.

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Still time for Valentine to give someone a present.

The story is pretty by the numbers for a standard crime drama but one thing that adds something different is the porn level acting and music. Everything is soft lighting and sax solos while Van Peebles frowns through scenes as if a furrowed brow will soon be going out of fashion, Alma on the other hand seems to play fast and lose with the pouting which means every line comes across as if she is confused. The whole mixture of bad and confusing mixes together to make a film with some OK actors that is hindered by just about everything else that is happening on screen.

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Not pictured here: A man with working knowledge of guns and gun safety.

If you have seen a made for TV crime drama before then you will feel instantly at home with this by the numbers movie, nothing is original or new and that is probably the most disappointing thing. Mario Van Peebles is subdued and doesn’t make any effort with some scenes feeling like he is simply ringing his performance in. Randy Quaid looks like professor X but is entertaining as Phil and when he goes full Quaid towards the end you may just get up and cheer. I would not recommend this film unless you are really into Mario Van Peebles nipples, they are in it a lot and I think they may haunt my dreams for the next few days.

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This X men remake maybe worth watching.

This film gets a Sean Astin. It isn’t terrible for what it is but it could have been so much more even on a limited budget.

Going full Peebles is a good thing.

Harold Cronk’s ‘God’s Not Dead’

Fuck you Harold Cronk, I assume you’re Christian and somehow hate technology because the minimal effort you have made to research characters or religions apart from your own is fucking incredible. This film is insultingly stupid and stupidly insulting, I cannot recommend it to any thinking human but lets go into more detail.

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Purely Sinister would be a better name for this production company.

The film opens with a Christian boy Josh Wheaton (Shane Harper) speaking about his religion with his girlfriend Kara (Cassidy Gifford) who doesn’t get a last name because this is a film about religion and they hate women. Marc Shelley (Dean Cain) is living an awesome life while banging Amy Ryan (Trisha LaFache) who finds both cancer and God in the same week. Professor Radisson (Kevin Sorbo or Hercules) hates God and decides that the Christian kid who would not follow his lesson plan needs to be punished, rationality fails and the kid is able to vomit his views on everyone in class and waste precious learning time. This is God’s Not Dead (But logic appears to be). There is also a sub plot which has a few racist caricatures doing things but I get frustratingly angry when thinking about that and it does not further the plot.

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Our hero?

This film is shot fairly traditionally which is probably the only positive thing I can say. All the actors fail at sounding human which is really disappointing when considering TV veterans Kevin Sorbo and Dean Cain are both in it. Most of the plot points are ambiguously closed with something to do with God but that doesn’t give the audience closure or work with the media of film. We need to know what is happening and why people make these choices to connect, when the reason for everything is a random spiteful deity there is no connection that can be made.

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Kevin Sorbo laughing at the idea of another deity being in this movie.

One of the biggest issues with the film are the treatment of Atheists and Agnostics, 2 groups who are treated as either angry scornful individuals or broken and lost because they are yet to find Jesus. It’s insulting that people are written so pitiful just because they don’t believe a man in the sky made the world. I understand that this is made by a company that makes specifically Christian films but when a movie becomes more propaganda than plot you are no longer servicing the needs of an audience. There is no excuse for this shit anymore and it needs to be stopped completely. This is much the same as Ridley Scott’s ‘Prometheus’ in that a director or company believed something (In this case Christianity in Prometheus it was Atheism) and shoved that opinion down your throat with fictional evidence.

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He is successful because of his ties to Satan not because of his hard work.

Don’t see this movie, it is not worth your time or money. Fuck this film it really is just a thinly veiled insult to anyone who isn’t a Christian and if they are making propaganda like this I assume their ranks are dwindling. Adam Sandler (The WORST possible score).

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Pictured here: A Christian rock concert. Not pictured here: Fun.